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Anyone who's recently lost a good friend or partner - through death or just the ending of a relationship - will know only too well how the loneliness can sometimes feel overwhelming. There are times when we feel we'll never pull through. And it can take a bit of effort to get on with anything when the whole focus of our lives is missing. But there are some things the people around you can do to help...and some self-help measures too. They may feel like hard work, but will usually be worth it.
My husband died two years ago and I don't want to go on
Dear Dilys,
It's over two years since my husband died and things aren't getting any better. I miss him every day yet I've found my friends and family all seem to have got over his loss. They don't want to talk about him any more, so I've no one to confide in. Even my daughter seems to think I should have got over things by now and be out and about meeting people. But I have no interest in doing so. Will the loneliness get better do you think?
Emy
Dear Emy,
It's hard finding yourself alone after years of happy marriage. You don't say how long you and your husband were together but it sounds like it was a long time. So no wonder it's taking you a while to 'get over' things. There's no set time for this kind of loss to work its way through your system. Indeed some people never get over the loss of a loved one. But there are things you can do to help yourself. The key thing, though, is that you need to want to. And sometimes, while the loss is still fresh and raw, the idea of getting out and meeting new people is the last thing we can contemplate. So instead, we isolate ourselves so that we can still concentrate on the loved one, still talk things over with them, still feel them keeping us company through the long, lonely and difficult days. But there should come a time when you feel you've done enough of that and when you find yourself realising that there's more to life than living in the past. When that time comes, and only then, you'll probably find yourself thinking about all of the things you used to do to fill your life. You may even find a desire to rekindle some old passions or take up some old hobbies. There may be interests you put on hold during your marriage or while you brought up a family. Now's the time to re-discover all of these and to find new ways of building some fun into your life. You have only yourself to think of now, so it's no holds barred.
So be patient with yourself Emy. You'll know when you feel ready to meet new people and take up fresh challenges. But don't make things worse on yourself in the meantime for feeling guilty for not getting on with it. This isn't your daughter's business or your friends'. It's your life and you'll know when you're ready.
Dilys