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Mum's boyfriend made me have sex
Dear Dilys
After my dad left my mum got a new boyfriend who I always got on well with. One night when she was out we were watching tv and he asked me why I didn?t have a boyfriend because I was a pretty girl. I didn?t know what to say but after a while he started touching my leg. I didn?t know what he was doing but it carried on and eventually we had sex on the sofa. He made me promise not to tell. I never thought my first time would be with my mum?s boyfriend like this. Now it?s really awkward and every time mum goes out he tries it on. I feel really stupid and guilty and don?t know what to do because mum really loves him. I hate him and hate myself for doing it.
'Mary' 16
Dear ?Mary?
You must tell someone about this, preferably your Mum - even though you know it will shatter her. The fact is that this man has taken advantage of you in an unforgiveable manner. As an adult, and your mother?s partner, he had a duty of care towards you that he completely abused. On top of that he?s deceived your Mum and betrayed her trust. She needs to know so that she can find out what kind of man she?s involved with?but also so that she can remove him forever from your life.
I can see how hard you will find this, knowing how much she cares for him but I beg you to tell her. Try and find someone to help you with this. Someone like a favourite relative or teacher, someone you trust and can confide in and who will agree to accompany you when you tell your Mum. It will feel so much easier for you to do if you?re not trying to tackle it alone.
You could begin by calling Childline which would give you the chance to talk about what happened in complete confidence: (0800 1111) It would also give you practice in talking about it, something which I guess won?t come easily, and prepare the ground for opening up to other people. Look at www.rapecrisis.org.uk which has useful information about rape and sexual abuse and will help you see how this man manipulated you into getting what he wanted. And how none of this was your fault. He?s older and more experienced. You are young and innocent. He?s the one who?s at fault in all of this, not you.
Counselling could really help here. It will probably take time and effort but you need to shake off those feelings of stupidity and guilt that you?re carrying around in order to get on with your life. A counsellor would also help you work out how best to approach your Mum and build you up to work towards it. Another good idea would be to phone Social Services. You could just ask for advice without disclosing any details of who you are. Or you could visit your local police station and ask to speak to someone in private.
It?s also important that you get yourself checked out for both pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Infections?..so do that soon.
Above all ?Mary?, please try not to blame yourself.
Dilys
Sexual Abuse or Sexual Harrassment...?
Dear Dilys,
One night my mum went to work and I met up with some local boys. I never tell my mum that I meet up with boys because she doesn?t trust me. I?m not a bad person. I?m quite well behaved and respect my mum. That night there was three of them and just me. After a while they started touching me and they drove me towards doing things to them. I don?t know if I was taken for advantage but it happened again the next day. I don?t want to tell my mum because I feel ashamed and dirty and frightened of what she might do. Maybe this happened to me because of the way I was dressed, but I realise that now! What should I do if it happens to me again? I?m afraid!
D.S.
P.S. I?m confused, was I sexually harassed or sexually abused?
Dear D. S.
These boys certainly took advantage of you: they bullied you into going further than you wanted. And there were three of them and only one of you. Whether this is sexual harassment/abuse depends largely on you and how willing you were to go along with their suggestions. If you were pushed into doing things you didn?t want to then yes, it?s abuse. But I guess it?s all a bit confusing for you and probably a bit difficult to pin down exactly how you felt at the time.
They outnumbered you three to one, so it was clearly difficult to resist them. That?s why it?s really important not to take the blame on yourself; what happened was not your fault. You didn?t cause any of it. Even if you were dressed in a manner that might have led them on, that?s still no excuse. You?re entitled to go out wearing whatever skimpy clothes you like; it doesn?t mean that you?re ?tarty? or ?up for anything?. You deserve respect whatever you?re wearing.
It?s the boys who should be shouldering the blame here, not you. It?s understandable you?re having regrets, but try not to feel ashamed or dirty. You did what felt appropriate at the time and you were ?driven? into it by the sheer force of numbers: 3 against one. Remember that; they made it hard for you to say No.
You?re certainly not the first young girl who?s ended up in this position and you won?t be the last. Try to work out exactly how far you?re prepared to go from now on. You?ll probably find it helpful to talk in confidence with someone who won?t judge or criticise you?try Childline on 0800 1111.
If you really can?t talk to your mum try to get some other support. Confide in a friend or teacher. Ensure you always go out in a group in future so that you don?t find yourself alone with these three ever again. If you feel safer dressing differently, then do so?.. anything that allows you to go out and about without feeling afraid.
Dilys
Abuse or not?
Dear Dilys,
I am a 63 year old bachelor. Two weeks ago I attended a football game locally and sat on my own in the small stand. Two little girls I'd never met before sat next to me and started talking. They told me their names, said they were four years of age and told me their school. Both girls' parents seemed happy to let them sit with me. Suddenly one said 'My Mum punches me'. Her friend said: 'No she doesn't'. I felt very uneasy about this and can't get the sight of her sad little face - as she turned and waved to me at the end of the game - out of my mind. Do four-year-old girls say horrible things about their parents or am I right to worry about her remarks? If you were in my position would you take the matter further or forget the whole thing?
F
Dear F,
Four year olds can and do make things up.
But four year olds can also be at risk of abuse.
This makes your dilemma particularly hard. I think if I were you, I'd be keeping an eye out for these little girls at the next couple of football matches. If the girl returns to the subject of her own accord and repeats the allegations, that could well be a sign that she's pleading for help. You could keep an eye out for bruises or scratches too, and for how she behaves around her Mum.
The trouble is, as I'm sure you know, that you are entering a minefield. As a lone man, you are at risk of having all kinds of allegations made against you too. And if you were to take the step of confronting the parents, then heaven knows what they might try and throw back at you.
So keep your distance and try not to get too close to these girls without getting to know their parents too. If you can establish an easy-going relationship with both families, you?ll get a clearer idea of how things might be at home. It also enables you to find out whether the little girl has a habit of telling stories, or if she seems cowed and intimidated around her Mum. All of which provide greater clues as to what is actually going on. If you then feel satisfied that nothing's wrong, all well and good. If, on the other hand, your suspicions grow, then it?s vital that you take things further.
Arrange a confidential meeting with the head teacher of the primary school and tell her of your fears. This allows her to instruct the people who deal with the little girl on a daily basis to keep a really close eye on her physical and emotional state. It takes the responsibility away from you and shares it around a bit. From a personal point of view, this is likely to be your best and safest means of approach. It also means that you?re ensuring that others too are looking out for this little girl?s well-being and welfare.
Dilys